Sexual Epidemic
by ihatepeeps
Summary: A glee club member learns they have an STD. Panic ensues because no one really knows anything. Many, many pairings. Crack.


**Disclaimer:** Don't own Glee. Don't have chlamydia.  
**Timeline:** Post "Journey." Start of Junior Year.  
**Spoilers: **Season One?  
**Pairings:** According to my sex web: A lot. And in that sex web, some are canon and some aren't. However, there is a side Artie/Tina because, well, they're normal.  
**A/N: **Quick warning. The whole thing's pretty absurd and poorly written due to lack of sleep and sheer laziness.

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**SEXUAL EPIDEMIC**

**September 6, 2010**

**7:50 am**

Finding out you have chlamydia is not the best way to end the summer and start the school year, but that was how Matt started his. Last year he had slept with a junior named Trish Hawkins. Last week he got a phone call from her claiming she had the disease and that he should get checked out. He doubted he had it, but according to Trish, chlamydia could, like, lay dormant for months, and in a lot of cases there were no symptoms. So he did the responsible thing and got a test done. Turns out he had it. Afterward, he was given antibiotics, embarrassment, and the advice to tell any of the other sexual partners he's had since contracting the bacterial infection.

Besides Trish, he had only been with two other girls, and really, they were one and the same. He decided the first thing he had to do was find the smarter one before school started and give her the heads up. He found her on the front steps of their school, surrounded by her fellow cheerios.

"Hey." Matt tapped Santana on her shoulder.

"What?" She snapped.

"Look, can we talk?" He asked calmly, but her glare didn't waver. "Trust me; you'll want to hear this."

"Fine. You've got one minute." She led him down the stairs to a more secluded area. Once there, Matt began to explain.

**7: 57 am**

This was great. This was just _fucking_ great. Not only was she rendered disgusted by the possibility that she might have chlamydia, but now she had to find everyone she's been with since she was with Matt and tell them they might have it too. Because, apparently, that's what you do in these situations.

Santana figured she'd start with the easiest person on her list. Besides, he probably already had something anyway.

She found her target and grabbed Puck by his arm to pull him into a corner down the hallway.

"Look, Matt has chlamydia which means I could have it. And if I have it, you probably have it along with every housewife in Lima." She rolled her eyes. "Have a fun day."

Puck stood dumfounded as he watched her walk away. He was definitely screwed. Plus, this whole sex-leads-to-consequences-thing becoming an annual event: _Not cool._

**8:51 am**

After thinking long and hard about it, he came to the conclusion that he only _had_ to tell two girls. And he decided to start with his current girlfriend.

Puck found Mercedes in the hallway between classes and greeted her with a kiss on her cheek.

"Morning." She smiled. "Look, sorry I didn't call you last night, but I got talking with Kurt and-"

"It's fine." He cut her off. "I need to tell you something that you're probably not gonna like."

**8: 54 am**

Next on Santana's list was the simplest person. She found Finn by his locker, mid conversation with Kurt Hummel.

She glared at the shorter boy. "Sundance. I need to talk to Butch." She nodded her head to the side. "Alone." Kurt held up his hands and walked away. He was in no mood to deal with the Lopez rant this morning.

"Santana. Hi." Finn smiled and thought back to the last time she spoke to him like this at school. "Look if this is about, you know, doing it again," he whispered, "or something, I really can't do anything else to screw things up with Rachel."

She rolled her eyes. Rachel _fucking_ Berry. If Santana was unfortunate enough to have chlamydia, then she at least better have inadvertently passed it on to the smurf too.

"Hardly." She sniped. "What I have to tell you is worse than the possibility of hooking up with you again. And that's saying something."

**9:46 am**

This wasn't good. This really wasn't good, but at least he wasn't going to die if he did have it. Well, according to Santana at least. Of course, Rachel still might kill him, but that was a different type of death. Regardless of the outcome, this was going to put a real dent in his quest to recapture Rachel's heart…um, his _second_ quest to recapture Rachel's heart.

He found her by her locker fixing the photos of her dads she probably put up that morning. "Rachel." He called. She looked up and smiled. Not the same Rachel Berry smile she used to give him but a smile none the less.

"Finn. I'm glad you found me. I have some very good ideas as to what we should do this year to take Regionals." She explained. "As you know, I spent the summer analyzing why we lost based on our performance and _not_ the lunacy of the judge choices." She still didn't understand why not only Sue Sylvester was there but a local news man as well. Besides the fact that they were not celebrities, they had no qualifications to judge a musical performance.

She shook her head, angered by her own thoughts. "Anyway, I think I figured it out, and to fix the problem at hand, I'm going to need your help and support. What we need to-"

"Rachel?" He stopped her rant.

"Yes?"

"That sounds great, and we can work on whatever you want if you still want to later, but first I really need to tell you something."

"Finn, if this is another attempt to win me back, I'm flattered, but-"

"It's not."

"Oh."

"I lied to you."

She nodded slowly. "Okay. About what?"

He took a deep breath. "Last year I slept with Santana." He watched as her face paled. _Time for the second blow._ "And that's kinda not all."

**9:49 am**

She's only been to two classes, and she already wanted to leave. It was official. Quinn hated the first day of school regardless of the year. And just as she was about to continue her day's endeavor and enter her pre-calc class, she was blindly yanked into a room. She quickly turned around to launch an attack on whoever's bright idea this was.

"Rachel." She sighed, identifying her companion and surroundings. It was the bathroom. _Great._ "I thought we agreed we weren't going to do anything at school."

"We did, and we're not." Rachel confirmed.

"Then why are-"

"We need to talk." She leaned in and looked around covertly before whispering. "It's important."

Not two seconds later, Rachel was sharing her news, and Quinn failed to notice the bell signaling the start of third period.

**10: 43 am**

"Hey." Puck approached Quinn by her locker.

"Hey." She repeated.

"Look, um, there's…well-"

She held up her hand. "I already know."

"Oh." He nodded before frowning. "How?"

"…Uh… I just do." She paused. "I gotta go." She shut her locker and walked away.

**10: 44 am**

The last person on her list was the most important person on her list. She also happened to be the slowest which is why she was designated as last to tell. She found Brittany talking to some random freshmeat. The blonde's eyes lit up as soon as Santana came into view.

"San, did you know Coach is having tryouts on Wednesday because we're short so many girls?" Yes, Santana knew. She was also at the team meeting this morning.

"Really?" She decided to humor her. The last thing she needed to do today was freak out on Brittany.

"Uh-huh, and this is Sheril." She introduced the younger girl. "She wants to try out."

"That's great, Britt, but we need to talk." She grabbed the other girl's wrist and pulled her all the way to their locker room, ignoring the bell completely.

The moment they entered the locker room, Brittany managed to latch her arms around Santana's waist and had her soft mouth on Santana's throat. Santana sighed. This wasn't what she wanted right now. Though, to be fair, it was why she usually dragged Brittany here.

Santana spun around and away from the other girl. "B, as nice as that is, that's not why I brought you here."

The blonde frowned. "Then why are we here?" Santana sat them both down on the locker room's bench.

"Brittany, do you remember the talks we had about sex and how to not wind up with disgusting rashes or like Quinn?"

"Of course."

"Okay, well we need to have another one." Santana began to explain as fast and simply as she could. She wanted this to be over with not only because having an intelligent conversation with Brittany was like pulling teeth, but because it was the first day of school. She honestly hadn't done one thing in any class today, and it'll be nice to have a period away from that.

Plus, if they _happened_ to find a way to occupy their time afterward, so be it. She figured they could use some downtime before they split up and started hacking away at Brittany's list.

**11: 38 am**

Puck walked into his chemistry class and joined Finn at his lab table. Since they patched their friendship up over summer, if he didn't sit down next to him, Finn would know something's up. He wasn't that brain-dead.

"Hey." Puck greeted his friend.

"Hey." Finn returned.

_Great._ Why did Puck need to sit down by him? He didn't feel like talking, but if he didn't talk, Puck would know something's going on.

"So, are you doing glee this year?" Finn offered.

"Yeah. You still doing football?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." Puck nodded.

"Uh-huh." Finn nodded along with him just as the bell rang.

The teacher stood in front of the room. "Hello class. Welcome to Chemistry. I'm Mr. Doyle." Neither boy had ever been so happy for a class to start.

**12: 42 pm**

Rachel's sixth period was unfortunately sat alphabetically, seat by seat. Because of this juvenile nonsense, she wound up sitting in front of Kurt Hummel who –by one letter– was seated behind her instead of four rows over. The whole six minutes they were sitting in the class, she felt his eyes on her. She wondered if he knew. Why else would he be staring at her, not saying anything? If he knew, it was likely everyone knew; or everyone would know by the end of the day. She needed to be sure.

She turned around. "Kurt."

"Rachel." He spoke in the same, assertive tone.

"Have you talked to Finn today?"

"Yes, this morning. About our parents." He clarified. "Have you talked to Brittany?"

"No. I have no desire to talk to neither Brittany nor Santana."

"Why would you talk to Santana?"

"I don't know. Why have you talked to Brittany?"

"I never said I talked to Brittany."

"Oh, well in that case I've only talked to you today."

"Touché, Rachel Berry."

Yeah, he knew. So did Brittany.

**1: 36 pm**

Santana wanted to scratch her eyeballs out. It would be a pleasant midday intermission. Plus, she was pretty sure she read somewhere that chlamydia can make you go blind anyway. This way it'd saved her the slow agony.

As if finding out she might have a disgusting disease wasn't enough, she had to deal with people staring. Thank God everyone didn't know about this already. She was honestly grateful for that, but if Quincy Jones kept this up, Santana wouldn't be the only one in need of a seeing eye dog.

It was obvious that Puck told Mercedes which not only was a clear indictor that they were sleeping together, but now Santana had to deal with "threatening" stares all day. It was a freakin' joke. Santana turned to her left to send a glare three rows down. Mercedes held her own for a few minutes until she turned away.

And that was how they spent Sociology. Having random stare-downs every few minutes. _A freakin' joke._

**2: 24 pm**

Quinn entered here final class of the day, History, and right in the front row was Mike Chang. The moment she saw him, she knew he knew based solely on the embarrassed look in his eyes. The same look Puck was wearing when they talked earlier. The same one she had herself ever since she talked to Rachel this morning.

She stood blushing for a moment, not really knowing what to do. Thankfully, he looked down at his desk, and she made her escape to the back of the room. She took the only open seat in the back row, unintentionally sitting down next to Matt Rutherford. He looked away quickly. She sighed.

By the end of this day, she guaranteed that the entire glee club would be down at some free clinic getting tested together. They definitely needed to start dating people outside of the choir room.

**3:22 pm**

Will Schuester entered the choir room for the first time that year with a smile on his face. He animatedly greeted his students who barely acknowledged him. He would've deduced it to them still being on their summer schedules if it weren't for how they were all sitting. Something was up. With the exception of Tina and Artie who sat hand-in-hand in the front row, there was separation between everyone else in the club. Either there was an empty chair in between them or their own chairs seemed to be moved so there was at least two feet between everyone. He frowned before turning around to write on his board. Maybe his lesson will knock them out of it.

'_Summer'_ was the word he wrote.

"Okay guys, welcome back. I figured we'd start this week off simple. We're going to do solos." He smiled and paused for a moment. Normally, this is where Rachel would jump in with a song already prepared, but she didn't so he continued.

"Now, we're just doing this to get our voices back into shape. I hope you all sang over the summer, but I understand if you didn't." He paused once again because besides Tina and Artie's identical frown, he was met with ten, blank expressions. Ten, blank expressions from people that seemed to be a million miles away from him.

"Anyway, I want you all to pick a song that defined _your_ summer. The song doesn't actually have to be about summer itself though." He received no response other than vacant nods. "The sheet music is unpacked already, and you can work in small groups. The song has to be a solo, but I want you guys to have fun with this okay?"

Only Tina and Artie crossed the room to get material. He really hoped this was just summer leftovers.

**4:00 pm**

After forty minutes of a very quiet choir room, Will wanted some answers. The majority of the glee club spent the last forty minutes shifting through lyrics only after he made them do it. And he was pretty sure they didn't even bother reading any of them.

"Artie. Tina." Will called after the couple while the rest of the glee club left rehearsal to go home for the day. "Could you guys hang back a sec?"

"Sure, Mr. Schue. What's up?" Artie asked his trusted teacher.

"It's just…and I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything, but what's going on with the rest of the club?" He asked his ordinary students of the day. Tina looked down at Artie, and he nodded.

"There's a sexual epidemic going on." He explained.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, it's kinda hard to explain." Tina said. "It's _a lot_ to explain actually."

"Could you maybe try? If this is serious, I'd like to be able to help." Mr. Schue offered.

"Well, we could try, but we may have to draw you a chart." Artie frowned and looked up to Tina. "I think this lesson will need visual aid. Could you?" He pointed to the board and Tina nodded before walking over to the board. "Okay, Tina we'll need to use separate colors."

Tina smiled, understanding how he wanted to do this. They had a project two years ago in Biology that involved food chains. It was very line orientated. "Right. We can use blue to connect those who have had sex-"

"Whoa. Hang on a minute. What exactly are you guys going to tell me?" Mr. Schue interrupted.

"Just what you asked." Tina shrugged and continued to write on the board.

"It'd be better if you didn't interrupt from here on out." Artie told Mr. Schue who nodded and folded his arms. "This can get pretty confusing."

"So as you can see, blue lines will connect those who have slept with each other, red lines will be those who have kissed, and green will connect those who have definitely done something together, we just don't know what exactly." Tina pointed to the still mostly white board.

"Right. Well from what we've heard throughout the day, it all started late in 2009. Matt slept with Trish Hawkins who started this whole outbreak." Artie explained while Tina began to map it out. "Apparently, she gave chlamydia to Matt." Mr. Schue grimaced. "That seems to be the common reaction. Anyway, around the time he slept with Trish he also slept with Santana who's the epicenter of this thing. Besides Matt, the people she's slept with in glee are Puck, Brittany, and Finn. Now, we know for a fact Finn slept with Rachel while they were dating over the summer. She sent everyone a bulletin." Artie told him.

Tina picked up where Artie left off, switching markers. "And Rachel, in turn, has at _least_ dated Puck, and she has something going on with Quinn."

"Okay, now I'm interrupting." Mr. Schue held up his hand. "_Rachel and Quinn?_ I thought they didn't get along?" He frowned.

"No, they didn't, but ever since Lima's annual Fourth of July bash at Hyland Park, they've gotten really close. Of course, if you ask them, they're _not_ dating, and _nothing's _going on." Tina explained, as she drew a green line connecting them.

"Actually, you should switch that to blue. Although she could be lying, according to Mercedes they've gone the distance." Artie corrected. "Speaking of Mercedes, she's supposedly dating Puck again. We don't know what they've done with each other so we'll keep it green. Because, hey, it's _Puck_."

"Right, and Puck has slept with Quinn, obviously." Tina said.

"Yeah, but we don't know if they've been together since she got pregnant which was before the occurrence." Artie frowned.

Tina nodded. "I'll put a star next to it."

"Puck's also slept with Brittany." Artie continued. "And I'm pretty sure Brittany's connected to everyone on the board somehow." He frowned, trying to work it out in his head.

"Well, she's had sex with Santana, Puck, Mike, and based on her argument with Santana earlier, Matt too." Tina began.

"Yeah, and she might of slept with Kurt while they were 'dating.'" Artie finger quoted. "Kurt refuses to talk about it."

"She also claims to have made out with everyone in this school." Tina drew the red lines to everyone who wasn't already connected to Brittany's name. "What does that leave?" She asked Artie.

"Let's see." He thought. "Well, Quinn dated Finn and she did go out on a date with Mike over the summer, but I don't know what happened. Um…"

"Oh, Santana hooked up with Mike last year too." Tina supplied. "Remember, Josh Huggins was talking about it after the Homecoming Dance?"

"Yeah, but did they sleep together?"

"We'll green it." She shrugged.

"Oh hey, we almost forgot. Kurt finally kissed Finn over the summer." Artie smiled.

"Wow, I can't believe we missed that one." She shook her head. "And nothing's happened between them since? I thought Finn didn't freak out." Tina asked, sidetracked from the board for a moment.

"He didn't, and I think that all indications pointed to something happening if he wasn't so hung up on Rachel." Artie explained and she nodded, turning back to the board before speaking.

"Okay, that leaves Kurt and Mercedes. They kinda dated for a day, and I don't really think they did anything, but I'm going to throw them up there anyway."

"So you see, Mr. Schue. No one really knows who has what." Artie turned back around to face his instructor. "Because everyone's pretty much been with-"

"_Everyone_." Tina finished for him while Will just stared at the mess on his board. The mess that directly involved all but two of his glee clubbers. It was discouraging.

"Mr. Schue?"

"I think this year we're going to cut down on the songs with sexual undertones." He spoke slowly, still staring at the board.

Tina frowned. "Does this mean we're not going to have another Madonna week?"

He nodded slowly, eyes glued in the same spot. "Yes, Tina. That means were not going to have another Madonna week." That also meant that he was going to have to re-plan most of the lessons he came up with over the summer. And apparently for good reason. Not only were his students possibly having reckless sex, they were having a lot of it. And based on Tina and Artie's presentation, they didn't really know anything.

**September 7, 2010**

**3:25 pm **

"Okay guys." Mr. Schue greeted his glee club who still seemed to be just as awkward today as they were yesterday. "We're going to do things a little differently today. Instead of singing, we're going to have a little presentation that Miss Pillsbury has kindly put together."

"Hello." She greeted and passed out a stack of flyers.

Puck got his first. It read: _Help! I can't keep my feet on the floor._

Miss Pillsbury continued. "Mr. Schuester has informed me that you have all been under informed about certain diseases. Diseases that you may be in the middle of an outbreak from." The entire club of possible infecteds shared nervous glances with each other. It was okay though. Miss Pillsbury seemed just as nervous as they were.

"Let me just start by saying that chlamydia cannot be spread through kissing." She continued, and no one missed Kurt's sigh of relief. "Actually, it can't be spread through any type of casual contact. In fact, it can only be transmitted through vaginal, anal, or oral sex." She finished and then no one missed the deafening silence.

**4:02 pm**

"That was the worst forty minutes of my life." Finn spoke the moment they all exited the choir room.

"That was worse than labor." Quinn agreed.

"I think there should be a law on how many sexual terms an adult can use in one speech." Kurt supplied. "Because that was just too much."

"Yeah, it made me feel uncomfortable and turned on all at once." Puck frowned, and Mercedes whacked him on the arm.

"Well I for one found it quite informative." Rachel smiled, still reading her pamphlet.

"Yeah, I guess." Santana, to her annoyance, agreed with Rachel. "At least now we know that there is almost no possible way I gave it to Britt." The tall blonde smiled and linked pinkies with her. "You probably have nothing to worry about." She smiled to the girl on her right.

Rachel nodded and turned to Quinn. "Yeah, and neither do you." They all paused their exit to stare at Rachel who promptly jumped into an explanation. "Because it can't be spread through kissing, and we all know she's only had sex with Noah. Therefore, she couldn't have it because that happened before Matt contracted it to begin with."

"If that's your story, Berry." Santana rolled her eyes and restarted her exit, the rest of the group –sans Rachel– following suit.

"It's not a story." Rachel complained as she caught up with them. "There's _nothing_ going on between us. Quinn and I are simply engaging in a friendship to overcome the tiring trials-"

"-of hating each other. Yeah, yeah." Mercedes nodded along, finishing for her. "And Puck and I aren't dating."

"Oh Mercedes, stop it. If they say they're not dating, they're not dating." Kurt interrupted.

"Thank you, Kurt." Rachel smiled, head held high.

"By the way, I have nothing but platonic feelings for Finn." Kurt laughed along with the rest of the club, again, sans Rachel.

"This is not a laughing matter." Rachel shook her head, and Matt touched her on the shoulder.

"You're right, it's not." He spoke. "You and Quinn aren't dating, and the rest of us are all virgins. It's fine." He laughed with the rest again.

"This is why we lost Regionals." She ignored the rest and only spoke to Finn. "My summer diagnosis was that our problem doesn't come from our performance but rather our personas. The lack of seriousness in this group is an abomination. Not to mention a direct asset in destroying my future." She glared at the rest of her glee teammates.

"Complain all you want, Berry, but face it: You need us." Santana gloated.

"Oh like any of you could do anything without me?" Rachel retorted.

"Fine, we need you. You need us." Kurt sighed in annoyance. "Congratulations. We all need each other."

"No need to get so snippy." She glared at him.

"He's right though." Finn laughed. "Without each other, how else would we ever get a date?"

"Hey man, just because you can't get a date with anyone other than who's in this hall, doesn't mean the rest of us can't." Puck argued.

"Your last four girlfriends have all been from glee club."

"So?"

Tina and Artie shared a look and shook their heads before walking out after their friends.

**END**

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**A/N: **If you'd like to see Artie and Tina's sex-web-chart for yourself, there's a link in my profile because I _was_ that bored today.


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